What? You Miss Selenia?!?!
Yep, me!
There I was, an instructor for 3 years, rocking my level 1 and 2 teaching.
Combo? I got you.
Cool transitions. I am the one!
Base work and spins? I could teach it.
The only problem was that if my student asked me to do an invert or a trick, I couldn’t do it and I felt TERRIBLE about it.
My students wanted to learn from me and I would have to pass them on to another instructor due to my own limitations. Bummer.
It was only during my 4th (yes! 4th!) year of teaching that I decided I wanted to go to level up to 3 and that meant I had to go back to class. There I was taking classes with women that I TAUGHT and they were doing better than me! Bah!
Pride and ego can be debilitating.
Sometimes I didn't want to go to class because I felt weak and stupid and the more support I received from students, "go Miss Selenia, you got this!' oddly had the opposite effect on me. Expectations felt so high... Fortunately I was able to push past those negative thoughts and get what I came to class for, experience.
Fast forward a bit and I had a number of great challenging tricks that I could teach but still... I wasn't performing them. There is a difference between knowing how to do something and then actually applying it to music and transition and feeling confident in the movement. I still struggle with it at times. I watch others live and breath upside down, high and free and not think twice about it. That just isn't me. To this day I still can not say I am 'comfortable' performing aerially but I do it every now and then when I must. LOL!
I am sharing this because we are all unique and no one's journey is the same. We just have to be okay with our own progress and love it from where we are now, today.
I would watch my students surpass me all the time and I would cheer them on and encourage them to grow past me but have a tinge of envy and ask myself why wasn't I challenging myself more. In fact, I still watch my students surpass me only now I know my purpose and I could not be prouder because I know I am doing my job and doing it well!
It's been some years now, but I am fully aware and accepting of my strengths and weaknesses. Accepting myself as I am today doesn't mean I don't continue my flexibility work, aerial flow and trying to nail that damn elusive pole handstand, often! It just means I am having fun. This is an essential part of doing this sport. You aren’t going to be the best at everything and we all have to come to terms with this at some point but if we aren't having fun, what is the point?
For example, I know that I live and breathe when it’s just me, my pole and my 8 inch stilettos. I’m most at home when I’m at the base. I love floor work. I love spins. I love my flow and that’s Miss Selenia all day! And it is all good!
This is a huge part of clarifying your identity as a dancer -- discovering what it is you love and really embracing it.
